Dear Blog-diary whose name is under construction, when does it stop? When does the groaning and not-feeling-good-enough stop? You know, a couple of hours ago, I was just thinking about how pathetic I am. And how I can't seem to put to reality my dreams and desires. I just want and want, and then want some more. No follow-up action. It's funny. As I write this, expressing my frustration at my human brokenness, I hear the Holy Spirit whispering words of comfort to soothe me. He tells me not to be so hard on myself and to look at all I have been able to accomplish, especially with this website. Well, I'm looking Dad. Doesn't seem like much accomplishing is going on here, Lord. Phew. I don't know... My church family and I are in the middle of a program, and this morning Lord had instructed me to pray about gratitude today. Ha. It's like He knew. It's like He knew that by the end of the day, I would be beating myself up about something or the other. Just knowing that He knew, that He cared, that He cares lightens my heavy heart tonight. Not that I didn't know before. It's just...it's hard to feel deserving of the Lord's attention when I can't seem to get my stuff together.
Like, there's no fault with God. He's all that is perfect and good and amazing. I'm the one with the fault. Who can never seem tp get anything right. What's worse, I can't seem to ask God to help me get it right. My mouth just won't cooperate. Ooof. I don't know. I feel the Lord soothing me, comforting me, telling me that it's okay, that I'm okay. I don't feel worthy. I feel tired. I am scared of how I am somehow going to let the Lord down in the future.
God loves me. God loves me. I feel it. I know it. I trust it. I am not worthy. I am not worthy. It's obvious. But He loves me. Yet He loves me. My weary, scared soul takes comfort in those words. I may not be sure of anything else. I may not know anything else. Jesus loves me, this I know. Jesus knows me, this I love.